layout: post comments: true title: "I am a bad person" category: [english] tags: [irc, english, life, depression]
It's night again, but I seem to do all my blogging at night anyway and night and my feelings for this post which I had in todo list for longer time seem good for writing this and recent bad things I did just increase the need.
TRIGGER WARNING FOR WHOLE POST FROM HERE ABOUT EVERYTHING
I broke ##abgilpqt+ at freenode. First I felt like they were wanting to change it into elitist queer channel which again was wrong and after discussing with the other co-founder and misreading their words on asking proposal from everyone and finding one that everyone accepts as proposing something that everyone would accept. It was also always channel for everyone.
Pinkieval went to bed which I should also have done so I ended up clearing the acccess list and forcing the channel to be for everyone. After that events are unclear except that another op suggested that I could write my feelings to diary to avoid triggering people with these things.
Things are again unclear for me, but I am somehow told that I don't identify as gender or sexual minority while I do identify as trans girl/woman (depeding on the space) and romantic asexual. I didn't got more explaining to this. I am also accused of manipulating people by threatening with suicide unless xyz happens. I don't know if I am doing this, I only want to fix everything by talking, but it's probably impossible and I am really doing this and some doctor has one said so too.
I have broken the community and the channel will die as I have been like this. I am also understanding people even less every day and I am scared what will happen when I don't understand people at all, what I am.
I now don't have any friends left and it's all my fault. The channel was also somehow keeping me alive and now I just have even less place where I belong.
I have lso internalized cishetero normativity by just wishing that I was cis and neurotypial and someone could love me, but I am bad person.
Who would love possibly heteroromantic asexual anyway when she is also trans and autistic? I am only wishing that someone would do romantic things to me, but would I be able to show my feelings or show my feelings to possible partner anyway? I would just be parasite.
I have left other communities too without breaking them, but on some I have been told that I shouldn't dominate those with me and that I need professional help.
I accept the need of professional help now and I am on sick leave and there is referral to somewhere pending, but I have no idea when anything is going to happen.
There are also many other things in my past, but they are too horrible to be written here. I was bullied in all school levels since kindergarden and even there, but I was bad enough to deserve it. I don't even deserve to live, but I am not allowed to die either, but I hve no hope. Even if I wrote about it, there would be no forgiveness, but if I can get over this block and say it
2015-04-09 04:11:48+0300 < Mikaela> the thing that is not said is that in junior high school one bully wasn't in lesson for one rason than another and my friend wasn't there either and I told the friend more homehork than there really was so I would know if they had tod the bully them and they didn't and just did more work and I had also told them to not tell the bully
it's said so maybe I can also say other things